


Fruity Rumpus Asshole Factory, Concupiscent Frustration Edition

by makingtriangles (electricbloo)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bisexuality, Black Romance, Cybersex, Humor, Masturbation, Multi, Self-cest, Xeno
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-03-13
Updated: 2012-04-08
Packaged: 2017-11-01 21:59:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/361738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/electricbloo/pseuds/makingtriangles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Otherwise known as, "How Karkat Vantas Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Himself"</p><p>It's only been a little over half a sweep since the beginning of the meteor's seemingly never ending journey through phases of extreme boredom and extreme insanity. Meanwhile, Karkat Vantas is, annoyingly enough, going through his own adolescent phases of extreme horniness, and there's no one around who will help to alleviate them.</p><p>No one except his own past and future selves, anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's Going to Happen A Lot

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION.

CCG: I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M GOING TO BE PUTTING THIS OUT THERE IN THE OPEN, WHERE ANY ASSHOLE ME FROM THE FUTURE CAN JUST WALTZ IN AND MOCK ME THOROUGHLY AND INTIMATELY.  
CCG: I JUST CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE. I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS WITH SOMEBODY.  
CCG: IS BEING SIX AND A HALF LIKE THIS FOR EVERYONE?  
CCG: I CAN BARELY STAND ANYONE ON THIS METEOR AND YET THE LONGER I HAVE TO SPEND WITH THEM THE MORE...UGH. ATTRACTIVE, THEY ALL START SEEMING.  
CCG: I HATE MYSELF FOR SAYING THAT. SEEING THAT PHRASE IN MY OWN FUCKING PERSONAL TEXT IS MAKING MY STOMACH WANT TO CRAWL UP MY OWN PROTEIN CHUTE.  
CCG: PLEASE EXCUSE ME, I'M GOING TO GO BLAST OFF IN ORDER TO INCINERATE MYSELF IN THE GREEN SUN, POWERED FULLY BY THE FORCE OF MY OWN PROJECTILE VOMITING.

FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 3172:36 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.

FCG: OH SHIT, YES. *THIS* CONVERSATION. HAHAHA WOW.  
CCG: OH MY GOD, FUCK YOU.  
FCG: YOU SAY THAT NOW, BUT HISTORY WILL BEG TO DIFFER.  
FCG: ...OR MAYBE NOT. d:B  
CCG: SHUT UP. SHUT UP. I JUST NEED TO TALK THIS OUT. I DON’T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING FROM YOU EXCEPT A SERIES OF WELL-PLACED “YEAH”S AND “I CAN SEE THAT”S AND “I’M SO SORRY, YOUR DISCOMFORT MUST BE TERRIBLE”S.  
CCG: I’M SURE THERE ARE A BILLION AND ONE REASONS THIS CONVERSATION IS GOING TO BE *THE MOST HILARIOUS THING EVER* LATER ON  
CCG: BUT THAT DOESN’T MAKE YOUR FLIPPANT, SELF-INDULGENT SMUGNESS ANY LESS ANNOYING AS ALL FUCK.  
FCG: I’M SO SORRY, YOUR DISCOMFORT MUST BE TERRIBLE.

CCG banned FCG from responding to memo.

CCG unbanned FCG from responding to memo.

CCG: I’M SORRY, LOOK, I’M JUST FEELING REALLY TOUCHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS.  
FCG: JUST SAY WHAT YOU CAME HERE TO SAY AND LET’S GET ON WITH IT ALREADY.  
CCG: RUDE.  
CCG: WELL. IT’S JUST THAT I’M FEELING LESS THAN OPTIMISTIC ABOUT MY CHANCES FOR MATESPRITSHIP OR KISMESSITUDE.  
CCG: I MEAN, FOR A LONG TIME I THOUGHT TEREZI WAS FLUSHED FOR ME.  
CCG: BUT IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE SHE’S BEEN “UP IN MY GRILL,” TO QUOTE STRIDER ON THE SUBJECT.  
CCG: UGH AND STRIDER. I THOUGHT I HAD CALIGINOUS LEANINGS TOWARD HIM FOR A WHILE THERE, BUT WE BOTH KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I MAKE ROMANTIC OVERTURES TOWARD HUMAN MALES SO WHY SHOULD I EVEN BOTHER?  
CCG: IT DOESN’T SEEM TO BE A PROBLEM FOR HUMAN FEMALES, HOWEVER, SINCE ROSE AND KANAYA ARE DEFINITELY UP IN EACH OTHERS’ GRILLS AS MUCH AS ONE CAN POSSIBLY BE UP INSIDE A GRILL, I THINK.  
CCG: AND SINCE HUMANS ONLY HAVE ONE QUADRANT I THINK THAT MEANS ROSE AND KANAYA BOTH ARE OFF LIMITS?  
CCG: NOT THAT I REALLY...IT’S STUPID BUT I GUESS I HAD THIS IDEA THAT KANAYA AND I WERE SORT OF DESTINED TO BE ASHEN FOR EACH OTHER, BUT NOW I’M NOT SO SURE THAT’LL EVER HAPPEN.  
CCG: THE ONLY ONE LEFT, THEN, IS MY MOIRAIL, WHO I’M SO PALE FOR IN THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND ROMANTIC WAY IMAGINABLE SO OF COURSE THE IDEA OF PAILING HIM IS COMPLETELY INCONCEIVABLE AND A LITTLE NAUSEATING.  
CCG: I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO TALK ABOUT EVERYONE WE SEE IN THE DREAM BUBBLES.  
CCG: THAT IS A LEVEL OF CREEPY I AM UNWILLING TO EVEN BEGIN TO CONSIDER.  
FCG: I HEAR YOU.  
CCG: I’M JUST FEELING PRETTY FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW, IS ALL.  
FCG: FROM WHERE I’M SITTING, THAT IS A FEELING THAT HAS NOT EXACTLY BEEN RESOLVED.  
FCG: SORRY FOR THE CASUAL SPOILERS.  
CCG: FFFUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKK  
FCG: NOT RESOLVED, AT LEAST, AS FAR AS THE *OTHERS* ARE CONCERNED.  
CCG: WHAT?  
CCG: WHAT ARE YOU...NO.  
CCG: NO. OH NO.  
CCG: YOU HAVE *GOT* TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.  
CCG: PLEASE TELL ME THAT I DON’T ACTUALLY BECOME SO PATHETIC THAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO INITIATE SOME SORT OF DEPRAVED DOUBLE REACHAROUND SELF-FELLATING SESSION WHERE I MANIPULATE MY OWN GENITALIA TO THE SIGHT OF MY OWN DISGUSTING CHERRY-RED TEXT?  
CCG: PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS ALL SOME KIND OF A JOKE.  
CCG: HAHA, YOU GOT ME, IT’S ALL VERY FUNNY, LET’S LAUGH AT IDIOTIC, GULLIBLE PAST KARKAT, IT’S HILARIOUS HOW EASILY HE’LL FALL FOR THIS SHIT.  
FCG: I’M NOT JOKING.  
FCG: I KNOW YOU BETTER THAN ANYONE, SO I HAVE INDISPUTABLE KNOWLEDGE OF THE FACT THAT YOU’VE HAD FEELINGS FOR ME THAT COULD VERY EASILY BE DESCRIBED AS BLACK.  
FCG: I KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE. I KNOW HOW YOU LIKE IT.  
FCG: I KNOW WHAT WILL MAKE YOU COME SO HARD YOU’LL HATE YOURSELF AFTERWARDS.  
FCG: I ALSO KNOW HOW THIS ENDS, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL GET USED TO THE IDEA OF SPENDING SOME QUALITY TIME DIRTY-TALKING TO YOURSELF.  
FCG: BECAUSE THIS IS A THING THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.  
FCG: IT’S GOING TO HAPPEN A LOT.  
CCG: OH  
CCG: MY  
CCG: GOD.

CCG banned FCG from responding to memo.


	2. Terezi

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is what I get for setting a fic only months after the most recent update as of, um, yesterday? So I apologize in advance for any of the inevitable divergences from canon. Consider this to be an AU from this point on.
> 
> Also, hermaphroditic trolls are the only trolls that I write. Now and forever! °u°

Karkat slammed his husktop shut and gave it a violent shove. He watched, seething, it as it slid across the floor, rapidly losing speed, until it barely, anticlimactically, tapped the wall.

Fucking Future Karkat.

The most infuriating thing about Future Karkat was how little Karkat could ever understand about him. Even after more than half a sweep, even after Karkat became countless past Future Karkats, if that even made the tiniest scrap of sense, it was like that fucking little shit was constantly doing a mocking little dance up ahead of him, making rude gestures, sometimes outright undoing his pants and mooning him, for crying out loud. Future Karkat was minutes, hours, days, perigees, _sweeps_ ahead of him, doing and saying things that Karkat would never do or say.

The worst part was that, of course, every single bulgebusting time, Karkat _would_ end up doing and saying those things. He would never be able to figure out why, though, until the very moment that he was actually doing or saying them, and that drove him straight up the wall. Talking to his future self always ended up becoming some sort of horrible self-fulfilling ouroboros of self-hatred and rage.

And yet he kept coming back for more.

Karkat pushed himself to his feet and stomped out his respiteblock, slamming the door behind him so hard that he heard that one shelf fall off the wall again, sending most of his movie collection raining down all over the floor. Again.

Fucking great. Fucking _wonderful_.

Karkat just left that as an unwelcome present for his future self and stormed off down the hallway, hands shoved in his pockets. He’d been mostly joking back when he’d said those things about his future self being his kismesis, hadn’t he? It was ridiculous to think that he could even begin to have any kind of functional relationship with, for fuck’s sake, _himself from the future_. That would be completely absurd.

“What’s got you so cranky, babe?” Strider deadpanned as Karkat finally slouched into the room that Strider and Lalonde both had come to refer to as “the family room,” whatever the shit that meant. Karkat would probably have hit Dave in the face right then if that fucker hadn’t had a lapful of snickering Terezi.

He narrowed his eyes at them. Who even acts that obnoxiously pale out in public where everyone can see them? Karkat thought he and Gamzee were probably pretty obnoxious, but at least they had the decency to do their most intense cuddling in private. Karkat knew Strider and Pyrope were going to end up giving him a constant, pounding headache the instant he’d heard that the two of them had officially become moirails.

According to Strider, they were “best bros”.

The amount that Karkat hated that blond sack of assholes could not possibly be expressed even by screaming and screaming and screaming for the rest of his miserable...nnngh.

Dave had his hands on Terezi’s waist.

Terezi didn’t have very much of a waist; she was stick thin and almost as linear. But the feeling of her middle, how it dipped in, just a little, was practically embedded now in Karkat’s hands, from those early days on the meteor when he’d look at her and everything would come up hearts.

Karkat gritted his teeth, spun on his heel, and stomped off back down the hallway.

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION.  
  
CCG: ALL RIGHT, YOU, YOU GLOBELICKING, NOOKSUCKING SHITHEAD, ANSWER ME.  
CCG: WE’RE DOING THIS.  
CCG: AS MUCH AS I HATE MYSELF FOR EVEN LETTING THE IDEA SINK ITS DISGUSTING, PARASITIC LITTLE CLAWS INTO THE STUPIDEST PART OF MY THINKPAN, YOU WERE RIGHT.  
CCG: GO AHEAD, CONGRATULATE YOURSELF, PAT YOURSELF ON THE FUCKING BACK, GIVE YOUR OWN BULGE A HUUUUUGE SUCK. FINE, FINE! I ADMIT IT! HERE I AM, CHOKING DOWN A STEAMING, HEAPING PORTION OF MY OWN WORDS.  
CCG: HISTORY HAS APPARENTLY REACHED A TURNING POINT AS OF TWENTY MINUTES AGO, WHEREIN MY THINKPAN BEGINS A SLOW, STEADY DETERIORATION AND WILL SOON START TO OOZE SLOWLY OUT OF MY AURAL CANALS, DRAGGING WITH IT ANY SEMBLANCE OF MENTAL CAPACITY AND COMMON SENSE.  
CCG: THERE IT GOES. I CAN FEEL SEGMENTS OF MY CRANIAL NODES JUST. SHUTTING. DOWN.  
CCG: FUCKING ANSWER ME, YOU BULGESNIFFING PIECE OF SHIT.  
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 336:08 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FCG: OH, SHIT YES. I NEED THIS SO BADLY RIGHT NOW, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.  
CCG: FUCKING FINALLY.  
FCG: WAIT A SECOND.  
FCG: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE DO THIS, ISN’T IT?  
FCG: SHIT, NO. FUCK THAT.  
FCG banned himself from responding to memo.  
CCG: ASKDGHKSFGJHFDS GET BACK HERE!  
CCG: HOW THE FUCK DO I MANAGE TO BECOME THIS MUCH MORE OF AN INSUFFERABLE ASSHOLE?!?  
CCG: I HOPE YOU SUFFOCATE TO DEATH WITH YOUR FACE BURIED IN YOUR OWN NOOK!!!!!  
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 497:56 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FCG: ALRIGHT, LET'S GO.  
CCG: OH, WONDERFUL, ARE YOU HERE TO TAKE MY CHAT CLIENT SEXYTIME VIRGINITY?  
CCG: WILL IT BE YOU THAT TAKES MY BLUSHING FACE BETWEEN YOUR EXPERIENCED HANDS AND TELLS ME TO RELAX, YOU’LL MAKE IT FEEL SOOOO GOOOOD?  
CCG: I HOPE SOMEONE PISSES ON YOUR POST-RESPITE FEEDING TRAY.  
CCG: I HOPE IT’S STRIDER.  
FCG: YOU CERTAINLY KNOW HOW TO MAKE A TROLL FEEL APPRECIATED.  
FCG: BUT YEAH. SURE. WHY NOT? I NEED A GOOD LAUGH.  
CCG: I’M TAKING SOME DEEP BREATHS. I’M CALMING MYSELF DOWN. SEE? I’M NOT TAKING THE BAIT. I CAN BE CIVIL IF I WANT.  
FCG: GOOD FOR YOU, WHATEVER.  
FCG: LET’S JUST DO THIS ALREADY.  
CCG: OK.  
FCG: WELL?  
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?? I’VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE, JERKWAD!!  
FCG: UGH. FINE. TALK ABOUT WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE. MAYBE WE CAN START WITH THAT.  
CCG: STRIDER HAD HIS HANDS ON TEREZI’S WAIST.  
FCG: OH RIGHT.  
CCG: SHE’S JUST TOO FUCKING HOT. WHAT THE HELL?? SHE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE ASSEMBLED A BIG MESS OF KNIVES AND BROKEN GLASS INTO A VAGUELY TROLLISH SHAPE.  
CCG: BUT SOMEHOW, SHE’S JUST...HOT.  
FCG: AND...WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT THAT?  
CCG: I DON’T KNOW! THEY’RE ALL JUST KIND OF, VAGUE, MY FEELINGS, I MEAN.  
FCG: JEGUS FUCK. UN-VAGUE THEM, THEN. I DON’T HAVE ALL NIGHT.  
CCG: OH, LOOK AT THAT, ASSFACE, MY FEELINGS SEEM TO BE FORMING PRETTY COHESIVELY INTO THE DESIRE TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FUCKING BULGE.  
FCG: OH YEAH? LIKE YOU EVEN COULD. I’D JUST SIDESTEP YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE ATTEMPT AND HIT YOU RIGHT IN THE MOUTH.  
CCG: NOT IF I RAMMED MY FOREHEAD INTO YOUR NOSE FIRST.  
FCG: HAHA, YEAH RIGHT. YOU WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO KEEP ME FROM SLAMMING YOU UP AGAINST THE WALL OF YOUR RESPITEBLOCK. YOU’D HAVE THE BREATH KNOCKED OUT OF YOU, AND I’D TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR MOMENTARY WEAKNESS TO SINK MY TEETH INTO YOUR SHOULDER.  
CCG: OH MY GOD.  
FCG: YOU'D TRY TO STRUGGLE, BUT IT WOULDN'T BE ANY USE. I'D JUST GRAB BOTH OF YOUR WRISTS AND HOLD THEM AGAINST THE WALL.

Karkat desperately fumbled with his fly, his breath coming in embarrassingly high little gasps as he was finally able to wrap a hand around his bulge. He let himself fall backwards onto the floor, pushing at his pants until they were tangled around his feet. He was ridiculously wet, and hatred burned in his veins as he pushed two fingers up into himself, burned hotter and hotter until he was a complete mess, shaking, arching up off the floor, and he was barely able to grab the bucket out of his sylladex before he was coming into it, stupidly hard.

A few minutes passed, and Karkat was finally able to move, flexing his sticky fingers with distaste. His Trollian window was flashing.

FCG: HAHAHA.  
FCG: HAVE A GOOD TIME, YOU SICK FUCK.  
FCG banned himself from responding to memo.

Karkat thought he showed remarkable restraint. This time he didn’t yell loud enough for anyone else to hear.


	3. Rose

The worst part about all of that...stuff, that happened, was that it did actually make Karkat feel better. In fact, it made him pretty disturbingly _chill_ for a few days. He was feeling so laid back that he and Gamzee spent almost a whole night locked in Gamzee’s room, lying in the horn pile and just...looking into each others’ eyes and running their fingers through each others’ hair. It was the very pinnacle of romantic and beautiful and everyone can just fuck off.

Karkat’s internal peace was starting to wear off around the third night, though, and by the fifth he was about to chew his own arm off rather than admit that he wanted so badly to open a memo with his future self and do _That_ again. If no external catalyst for horniness had caused his sudden but inevitable downfall, he might have been able to go at least another three or four days.

But no.

"Would you mind giving this to Rose? She seems to have dropped it in the hallway." Kanaya was leaning out the door of her workblock, offering one of her rainbow-drinker novels to him with one hand, wielding scissors with the other.

Karkat rolled his eyes and took the book from her. Kanaya and Rose had this thing that had been going on for way too long where they were each trying to get the other to read their favorite awful novels through passive aggression and subtle trickery.

"Thank you. She is up on the roof, I believe."

Karkat grumbled a response and trudged toward the stairs. This place had a fuck of a lot of stairs. Who the fuck designs a building with this many useless sets of stairs?

It turned out that Rose was, indeed, on the roof. It was also excruciatingly bright. Karkat yelped, wincing, clapping a hand over his eyes. "What the _shit_ are you doing up here?"

"My apologies," said Rose, and the light dimmed. "I am bathing myself in ultraviolet rays."

Karkat risked opening his eyes, and nearly dropped the novel. Rose was lying on some strange, long, plastic chair, a large light, now thankfully dimmed, hanging from a stand that arced over her head. She had an open paperback in one hand, sunglasses perched on her nose, and pretty much what amounted to hardly any clothes on at all.

"That...didn't really answer my question," Karkat managed to get out. Her strange human mammary glands were only covered by two triangles of black fabric, tied together in the middle, and there was something really, really appealing and, kind of, intriguing, about the soft, rounded sort of, valley, where they were pressed together.

"Humans require that ultraviolet radiation come into contact with our skin. On Earth it was supplied by our Sun, but, luckily, it can also be artificially generated.” Rose took a sip of orange liquid from a martini glass that had been sitting at the table near her elbow. “Otherwise, we begin to suffer from vitamin deficiencies and depression. This activity is customary."

"Customary," you repeat, with a sort of weak skepticism, transfixed by the deep curve of her waist and the extremely soft-looking bump of her lower stomach, just underneath that weird, deep indentation Dave had said was a vestigial organ that early humans would shoot acid out of. The space between her legs was also covered by a triangle of black fabric, which Karkat assumed was mirrored in the back, the two pieces tied together by thin strings on either side.

Her thighs also looked, really. Really. Soft.

“Did you need something?” Rose asked, finally, a humiliating lilt of amusement in her voice, and Karkat stumbled forward, holding out the novel, face flushing a horrifying red.

“It’s...just, Kanaya, trying to get you to read her trashy romances.”

Rose took the book and set it on the table next to her glass. “I see.” One side of her mouth was quirked upward in a smirk and Karkat was internally screaming at himself to not be such a fucking moron but it really wasn’t doing any good. “Do you require anything else?”

“N-No. Sorry to...” Jegus fuck, from this angle Karkat had a really good view of her chest. So...so soft. The softest. It was extremely likely that Karkat had never actually _felt_ anything that soft. “Bother you. I’ll be,” Karkat could just barely make out the light dusting of downy blond hairs all over her skin, “going, now.”

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION.  
CCG: OH MY SHITTING GOD. WHY DO HUMANS HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING SOFT AND PITIFUL-LOOKING? IT’S KILLING ME.  
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 359:19 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FCG: OH, FUCK, I KNOW, ALL THAT THIN SKIN, COVERED ALL OVER IN TINY LITTLE HAIRS? THEY WOULD FEEL AS SOFT AS A JUVENILE CLUCKBEAST.  
FCG: MAYBE SOFTER.  
CCG: SO...I JUST SAW LALONDE PRACTICALLY NAKED.  
FCG: OH, FUCK, WAS IT THAT TIME SHE WAS DOING THAT THING WHERE SHE WAS SHINING THAT HIDEOUSLY EYE-SCORCHING LIGHT ALL OVER HER SKIN?  
CCG: YES.  
FCG: THAT WAS...GOOD.  
CCG: YES IT WAS.  
CCG: SO.  
FCG: YEAH?  
CCG: SO...THIS IS A THING THAT RARELY HAPPENS, US JUST...HAVING A CIVIL CONVERSATION, I MEAN.  
CCG: I DON’T ACTIVELY WANT TO DO PHYSICAL HARM TO YOU RIGHT NOW.  
CCG: IT’S REALLY FUCKING WEIRD.  
FCG: YEAH.  
FCG: I KIND OF...DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.  
CCG: ME EITHER.  
CCG: HUH.  
FCG: I, UM. LOOK.  
CCG: YEAH?  
FCG: SORRY.  
FCG: I KNOW WE’RE TRYING TO KEEP THE SPOILERS TO A MINIMUM, HERE, BUT I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE.  
CCG: UM. OK?  
FCG: OH MY SWEET FUCK, DAVE IS DRIVING ME *CRAZY*.  
CCG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?  
FCG: I CAN’T HELP IT. I JUST KEEP FINDING HIM MORE AND MORE ATTRACTIVE AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  
CCG: OH NO. NO, NO, NO.  
FCG: I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM.  
CCG: PLEASE STOP. STOP RIGHT THERE.  
FCG: I HAVE NO IDEA IF HE’S JUST BEING A THINKPAN-DAMAGED HUMAN AND DOESN’T UNDERSTAND HOW HARD HE IS BLACK FLIRTING WITH ME, OR IF HE’S JUST FUCKING AROUND.  
CCG: OH MY GOD NO. SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
CCG: REMEMBER A MINUTE AGO WHEN WE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO EACH OTHER?  
CCG: THAT WAS ONE OF THE BEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE.  
CCG: I MISS THAT.  
FCG: I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW I’M SUPPOSED TO TELL IF HE’S BEING *SERIOUS* OR NOT.  
CCG: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO WHAT DID I JUST SAY???  
FCG: OH MY GOD, I WANT HIM SO FUCKING MUCH I CAN’T STAND IT.  
CCG: AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHAKDJGHFSKHSKHJFGFDSF:kl;'  
CCG banned FCG from responding to memo.  
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 2063:02 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FCG: HAHAHAHA THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS.  
FCG: I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THAT MEMO. [XB  
CCG: WILL YOU JUST FUCKING QUIT WITH THE GODDAMNED EMOTICONS?!?!  
CCG: IT MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE SUCH AN INCONCEIVABLE MORON THAT I’M HAVING THE ALMOST UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO REPEATEDLY PUNCH MYSELF IN THE FACE JUST SO YOU’LL HAVE THE MEMORY OF WHAT IS ONLY A FRACTION OF THE TERRIBLE, UNCEASING AGONY I WISH UPON YOU WITH EVERY FUCKING CELL IN MY BODY.  
FCG: OH, FUCK YEAH. THAT...THAT WAS GOOD.  
FCG: MMMM YES.  
CCG: ALDKJGSKFHKLJAKFJIL  
CCG: A;HKSGAKJDHF  
CCG: LKHJDFB  
CCG: XKJDG  
FCG: I *LOVE* HAVING THAT EFFECT ON YOU.  
FCG: I’M MAKING YOU SO FUCKING WET, AREN’T I?  
FCG: I KNOW I’M RIGHT. I REMEMBER. [;B  
FCG: COME ON.  
FCG: I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY IT.  
CCG: FUCK OFF, YOU DISGUSTING FREAK.  
FCG: OH WELL. SUIT YOURSELF. <3<

Karkat’s hands were shaking. It took him more than a few tries before he was actually able to succeed in clicking the ban button. The flush spreading over his face at that absurd spade symbol was so fucking humiliating, and the mortifyingly amazing heat that had been rushing from his stomach to his groin since the beginning of the conversation was even worse.

He wasn’t going to give in, this time. He was just going to ignore it.

Like _that’s_ something that would ever work.


	4. Dave: Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is for my precious Davekatters.
> 
> You are my most favorite children.

After that, being around Strider started to get really fucking weird. Karkat found himself jumping every time he saw that skinny, pasty fuckhole, and more often than not he’d end up babbling a bunch of nonsense and running off. Karkat’s blood-pusher eventually set up what seemed to be a permanent camp in his throat, and even things as non-Strider as the beeper on the microwave cooking device were making him jump out of his skin.

Alright. Karkat would admit that Strider was attractive. He’d thought so before, whatever, that’s nothing special. Karkat was six and a half. He would probably start to find his own respiteblock wall attractive if he stared at it for long enough. This was more than Strider just being attractive, though. This was...this was _war_.

Karkat was looking through the nutrition preparation recess for something, anything sweet, concentrating very hard on Not Thinking About Any Of That Bullshit, when Strider appeared out of nowhere, right next to him, and completely ruined it. Karkat backed away so quickly that he smacked into the wall. "Fuck!" he cried out, angrily scrubbing at the back of his head. “What the fuck?"

Strider leaned towards him, bracing himself with a forearm against the wall, blocking Karkat’s straight shot for the door. He was taller than Karkat. Everyone was taller than Karkat. God fucking dammit. "Dude, I think your BFF is stalking me. Will you like, call his ass off or something?"

Dave was way too close. Karkat could feel the tips of his own ears burning, and it took him several beats too many to respond. Humans smelled...good. Really good. Oh...oh no. "For the love of...he... _no_ he fucking _isn’t_. Shut up." Strider’s shades were as inscrutable as ever, and Karkat flicked his eyes away from them to the doorway and back again.

“Just tell your pet murderclown I'm not interested, k?"

Something just sort of snapped in Karkat at that and he suddenly found himself yelling, jabbing a finger in the center of Strider's time insignia. "...don't you even fucking talk about him like he's worse than everyone else here, every troll here except me has killed at least one of our friends!! You do know that _your_ 'BFF', as you so eloquently put it, used to make a grubfucking _game_ of luring hundreds of young trolls to their deaths, right?? But Gamzee kills two trolls in a fair fight that _I_ ordered Equius to initiate in the first place and _Gamzee's_ the one that everyone always..."

Dave infuriatingly managed to shut Karkat up by putting a finger over his lips. Karkat felt a blush sweep over his body in what he really, really wished were anger.

"This has been a test of the emergency broadcast system. Hadn't heard you rant in a while. Started to think maybe I was going deaf."

Strider swept out of the kitchen, flashing Karkat that human gesture of his where he would kiss two fingers and extend them outwards in a V shape. Karkat was pretty sure it was some kind of egregious insult, and that made his skin prickle and heat throb suddenly between his legs.

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION.

CCG: OH MY GOD IT'S COMING TRUE.  
CCG: THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!  
CCG: IF YOU HADN'T MADE ME START THINKING THAT THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN I NEVER WOULD HAVE GOTTEN THIS IDEA INTO MY HEAD IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU STEAMING BRICK OF SHIT!!!  
CCG: IF YOU HADN'T MADE ME START THINKING THAT IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN, IT WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED AND I COULDN’T HAVE BECOME YOU IN ORDER TO SET MY EARLIER SELF ON THIS HUMILIATING PATH OF XENOPHILIA AND DEPRAVITY AND  
CCG: JEGUS FUCK WHO EVEN STARTED THIS GRUBFUCKING TEMPORAL LOOP OF IDIOCY IN THE FIRST PLACE!?!?!?!?!  
CCG: MY THINKPAN IS GOING TO TWIST ITSELF INTO A GIANT THROBBING KNOT OF CAUSALITY UNTIL IT ***EXPLODES*** AND IT WILL BE  
CCG: **ALL**  
CCG: **YOUR**  
CCG: **FAULT**  
CCG: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 2059:21 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FCG: HAHAHAHA  
CCG: NO, ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOT. NOT YOU. I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU, I WANT TO TALK TO THE ONE FROM LIKE THREE HUNDRED HOURS FROM NOW.  
CCG: THE EARLIEST ONE.  
CCG: HE'S THE ONE I WANT TO DESTROY.  
FCG: TOO BAD. C;B  
CCG: OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT, EVEN??? JEGUS NOOKSTUFFING FUCK.  
CCG: YOU ARE THE ***WORST*** ME.  
CCG: HOW CAN YOU EVEN LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR WITHOUT VOMITING UP ALL OF YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS, THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.  
FCG: PRETTY EASILY.  
FCG: WANT TO SEE?  
CCG: WHAT???

FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 2059:21 HOURS FROM NOW sent CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW file “pretty_easily.png"

CCG: NO FUCKING WAY.  
CCG: I’M NOT OPENING THAT.  
FCG: YOU WILL, THOUGH!  
FCG: IT’LL ONLY TAKE ABOUT THIRTY SECONDS BEFORE YOU JUST WON’T BE ABLE TO CONTAIN YOUR CURIOSITY.  
CCG: UUUUGGGGHHHH SHUT UP  
FCG: HAHAHA  
FCG: WHATEVER  
FCG: I KNOW YOU’RE OPENING IT RIGHT NOW.

“Goddamed fucking piece of shiteating assfucking nooksniffing bucket humping sack of bulges, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck..."

Karkat had indeed been opening the file.

"...FUCK!" The picture was dark, and low quality, but what Karkat saw sent the strangest, hottest shudder through him. His future self looked...really, really relaxed. Really, really uncharacteristically so. Karkat had been -- for as long as he’d fucking _known_ himself -- wound up so tightly that he was liable to snap at any moment with a truly spectacular twang. His shoulders were always hunched and tense, his eyebrows drawn so tightly together that there was probably a permanent crease between them, and his mouth was almost always wrenched into the defiant frown that Karkat always thought made himself look forbidding, but really just made him look sulky. This version of himself, though...it was bizarre as fuck. He was slumped over the table, head propped carelessly in one hand, with a smile that was really, weirdly, attractively lethargic. It was the eyes, though, that sent that sudden, intense shiver of heat through Karkat’s body: knowing, half-lidded, intense, cherry-ass _red_.

Karkat made an involuntary noise -- halfway between a groan and a whimper.

FCG: SEE ANYTHING YOU LIKE? [;B  
CCG: NO.  
FCG: HAHAHA, YOU’RE THE BEST.  
FCG: HOW ARE THOSE FEELINGS FOR STRIDER TREATING YOU?  
CCG: OH MY GOD WHY WOULD I EVER WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT WITH YOU  
FCG: HEHEHE 3[:B  
CCG: UGH.  
CCG: FINE.  
CCG: THEY’RE STUPID. REALLY STUPID.  
CCG: I’VE SPENT MOST OF THIS TRIP SO FAR WISHING HE’D LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.  
CCG: AND I STILL WANT THAT, SORT OF.  
CCG: BUT AT THE SAME TIME ALL I WANT IS FOR HIM TO *LOOK* AT ME.  
CCG: I JUST...REALLY WANT HIS EYES ON ME. REALLY AND ACTUALLY *ON ME* AND NOT...  
CCG: FUUUUUCK I JUST WANT TO START THROTTLING HIM AND NOT STOP UNTIL HE’S ACTUALLY *LOOKING* AT ME AND NOT BEING SUCH AN INSCRUTABLE DUMBFUCK.  
FCG: SO...SAY THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED, WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO HAPPEN NEXT?  
CCG: JEGUS FUCK, I DON’T KNOW.  
CCG: I DON’T REALLY...WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT.  
CCG: IT SEEMS SO FUCKING POINTLESS.  
FCG: OH, COME ON.  
FCG: *THIS* IS WHY YOU’RE SO FUCKING UPTIGHT.  
FCG: YOU NEVER LET YOUR THOUGHTS REACH ANY SORT OF ULTIMATE CONCLUSION.  
FCG: YOU JUST CLAMP DOWN ON THEM LIKE A CHOLERBEAR TRAP ON THE LEG OF A LONE HUNTTROLL.  
FCG: OH MY GOD IT’S HORRIBLE AND THERE IS BLOOD AND GORE *EVERYWHERE*, BUT NO ONE IS THERE TO LET HIM OUT!  
FCG: HE’S DYING, KARKAT, DON’T YOU WANT TO HELP HIM?  
FCG: WHAT KIND OF HEARTLESS MONSTER ARE YOU???  
CCG: …  
FCG: WHAT.  
FCG: DO YOU WANT.  
FCG: TO DO.  
FCG: WITH STRIDER?  
FCG: [:<B  
FCG: [: <B  
FCG: [:<B  
FCG: [: <B  
CCG: AADFJKHSFKGHALDKJG;F’ADGK;,. STOP IT STOP IT STOP DOING THAT  
CCG: YOU’RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF  
CCG: AND BY “YOURSELF" I DON’T MEAN ME  
CCG: I MEAN YOU’RE JUST OBJECTIVELY REALLY FUCKING EMBARRASSING  
CCG: BUT FINE  
CCG: JEGUS  
FCG: I’M WAITING [;B  
CCG: FUCK! ALRIGHT.  
CCG: SO...UM.  
CCG: I WANT TO JUST **SMACK** THOSE RIDICULOUS FUCKING SUNGLASSES OFF HIS FACE. THAT WOULD GET HIS ATTENTION.  
CCG: AND I’D...STARE AT HIM, RIGHT IN THE EYES, NOT LET HIM WEASEL OUT OF IT BY HIDING LIKE HE USUALLY DOES.  
CCG: THEN...  
CCG: OH GOD. OKAY.  
CCG: WHAT IF HE KISSED ME, THEN? HARD, LIKE HE’S BEEN WANTING ME THE WHOLE TIME WE’VE BEEN STUCK ON THIS LOUSY METEOR?  
CCG: MAYBE HE’D SHOVE ME UP AGAINST THE WALL, AND I’D HAUL HIM DOWN BY THE FRONT OF HIS SHIRT AND GRAB HIS HAIR AND *PULL*  
CCG: AND HE’D BITE MY LIPS AND I’D LAUGH AT HOW PATHETIC HIS BLUNT LITTLE HUMAN TEETH ARE, AND THAT WOULD JUST MAKE HIM MORE DESPERATE?  
FCG: GOOD, GOOD.  
FCG: KEEP GOING.  
CCG: SO BY NOW OUR HIPS ARE, JUST, FLUSH, TOGETHER, AND,  
CCG: FUCKING SHIT I DON’T KNOW WHAT HUMAN SEX ORGANS ARE LIKE!  
FCG: THAT DOESN’T MATTER, JUST MAKE SOMETHING UP!  
FCG: THIS IS A FANTASY, IT DOESN’T MATTER IF IT’S ACCURATE, FOR FUCK’S SAKE  
CCG: OK.  
CCG: SO MY, MY BULGE WOULD ALREADY BE, OUT, I’M GETTING SO TURNED ON BY THIS  
CCG: AND SINCE OUR HIPS ARE PRESSED TOGETHER I CAN FEEL HIS, TOO,  
CCG: AND THEY SORT OF, WRITHE TOGETHER, BUT WE STILL HAVE ALL OUR CLOTHES ON.  
CCG: SO IT’S...FRUSTRATING, BUT OH GOD IT FEELS SO GOOD.  
FCG: MMM, YES.  
CCG: AND FINALLY I WANT HIM SO BADLY THAT I YANK HIS PANTS OPEN, AND HE DOES THE SAME FOR ME, AND WE LET THEM DROP AND JUST  
NNNGH  
CCG: I LET MY BULGE PUSH ITS WAY UP INNTO HIS NOOK,  
CCG: AND HE DOES THE SMAE FOR,ME,  
CCG: AND OHM YG OD  
CCG: IT;S SSO GOOD  
CCG: WE PULL AT EACH OTHEHRS CLOTHES ROUGH LYAND HE GRABSM E BYT THE HIP S AND WTHRUST AGAINSTT EAACH OHTER SO HARD  
FCG: MMMMM, OH, YEAH...  
FCG: YOU’RE DOING SO GOOD, THAT’S IT...  
FCG: I BET YOU’RE CLOSE...  
FCG: WANT TO COME FOR ME, NOW?

Karkat arched up, mouth dropping open in a wordless groan, one hand frantically shoved down the front of his pants. He was on fire. His face burned. Orgasm rushed over him, sudden and devastating, and it was the image of smoldering red eyes in his mind that had pushed him over.

Unfortunately, it was the spreading wetness in his pants that brought him back. He flopped over onto the floor, growling in annoyance, little aftershocks of pleasure still vibrating all over his overheated skin. He gave his bulge one last squeeze, letting out a soft, gratified whine before rolling onto his side, reaching out for the keyboard with his clean hand.

CCG: FFFFFFUUUCKKKKK  
CCG: THERE’S SORT OF A...BIG MESS HERE, NOW.  
CCG: I BLAME YOU, FUCKNUBS.  
FCG: HEHEHE C;B  
FCG: WELL. I GUESS I’LL TALK TO YOU LATER, THEN.  
FCG: SEE YOU <3<  
FCG banned himself from responding to memo.  
CCG: WAIT A SECOND, YOU F  
CCG: GODDAMN IT.


	5. Dave: Part Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE ACCIDENTALLY LEFT THE CAPSLOCK ON SO MANY TIMES BECAUSE OF THIS FIC.

"Karkat!"

That was Strider's voice.

The room was bright, and unfamiliar. Or...

Was it? There were hands gripping his shoulders. He blinked furiously against the light.

"Dude, I didn't think we'd ever actually get to meet."

Karkat's eyes finally adjusted, and the room resolved into one that he recognized from his time spent trolling the humans. It was Strider's respiteblock. Strider was in front of him, hands still gripping his shoulders. He was wearing his old t-shirt with the record on it.

Jegus fuck.

Karkat let out a frustrated snort and pulled Dave's sunglasses down his nose, just to be sure. He immediately pushed them back. Those empty white eyes always gave him the fucking creeps.

"Ugh, ok, I'll bite. What memory am I supposed to be witnessing, here?"

"I'm not a hundred percent, but I think it might be the day you, you know. Confessed." Strider's hands were still on his shoulders.

Karkat stiffened. "The day I did _what_?"

Dave seemed so strangely awkward, here. Karkat's Dave was awkward, definitely, what with the mumbling, and the lack of personal space, and the long-winded, nonsensical, self-referential speeches, but this Strider seemed almost...shy?

"You know. When you...said you were flushed for me."

Wait, _flushed_?? Karkat was pretty sure his blood pusher had just gone for broke and leaped, screaming, out of his chest, but no, there it was, pounding furiously and sending heat flaming over his face. Strider's hands were trembling, sliding over his shoulders, up his neck, into his hair.

Dave was biting his own lip. Oh god, his lips were so pink and soft. "I didn't think I'd ever get to do this. Messaging back and forth is one thing, but..." He was really close, now. Karkat's eyes were enormous, and a puff of moist air against his mouth was the only warning before Dave's lips were pressed, clumsily, against his.

Karkat woke up with a really undignified gasp and choked, coughing and flailing wildly until he managed to get his bearings. He'd fallen asleep over his husktop again, and a deep throbbing in his groin was letting him know rather pointedly how much what had just happened had affected him. He flopped back over onto his back, letting one hand slide down over his stomach to squeeze at his bulge, groaning with impatience.

This wouldn't take long.

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION.

CCG: THIS IS WHY I DON'T FUCKING SLEEP.  
CCG: WHAT EVEN HAPPENS TO US INSIDE THE DREAM BUBBLES AFTER WE WAKE UP, ANYWAY?  
CCG: DO WE DISAPPEAR? OR DO WE JUST...FALL ASLEEP?  
CCG: IS MY DREAM SELF JUST *LYING THERE*, NOW, COMPLETELY VULNERABLE TO THE SLIGHTEST WHIM OF EVERY VERSION OF EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY LOSER FRIENDS?  
CCG: UGH, NOW I'M FEELING PRETTY EXTREMELY FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE.  
CCG: THANKS, PAST ME, THANKS FOR LETTING YOUR MIND JUST, TAKE A LITTLE STROLL ALONG "FRIDGE HORROR" STREET, OH, LOOK, NOW WE'RE PASSING "CAN'T UNTHINK THIS" POND, ISN'T IT LOVELY?

FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 248:28 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.

FCG: YOU JUST DISAPPEAR, NUMBNUBS.  
CCG: AND NOOKSTUFFING *FUCK*, EVERYONE ELSE APPARENTLY GETS TO FROLIC THROUGH AWE-INSPIRING LANDSCAPES AND SHIT, WHILE I GET TO TOUR THE BEAUTIFUL SCENERY OF MAJESTIC LOCALS LIKE  
CCG: STRIDER'S HUMAN BEDROOM.  
CCG: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUCCCKKKKK  
FCG: IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT HIM WHAT PRETTY MUCH AMOUNTS TO CONSTANTLY.  
FCG: THAT'S HOW THESE THINGS WORK.  
CCG: I *KNOW* HOW THESE THINGS WORK!!!  
FCG: AND COME ON, DON'T INSULT ME. DON'T ACT LIKE YOU DIDN'T ENJOY IT.  
FCG: THIS IS LIKE, YOUR FUCKING DREAM COME TRUE, RIGHT?  
FCG: SWAPPING SPIT WITH A DEAD VERSION OF THE HUMAN THAT'S CAUSED YOUR HAND TO TAKE UP A PRACTICALLY PERMANENT RESIDENCE DOWN YOUR PANTS?  
FCG: THIS IS ITS NEW ADDRESS, LOOK:  
FCG: KARKAT'S HAND  
FCG: DOWN HIS PANTS, THE METEOR  
FCG: ENJOY IT WHILE YOU FUCKING CAN, YOU PATHETIC NOOKSTAIN.  
CCG: JEGUS FUCK, WHO PISSED IN YOUR LAWN-RING SWIMMING TUB?  
FCG: UGGGHHHHHH  
FCG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I RESPONDED TO THIS MEMO.  
FCG: I KNOW RIGHT NOW YOU THINK FUTURE YOUS ARE THE WORST YOUS, BUT TRUST ME.  
FCG: ***YOU*** ARE THE WORST ME.  
FCG: *****YOU*****  
FCG: I HOPE THAT HAUNTS YOUR DREAM BUBBLES, YOU NAIVE SACK OF SHIT.

FCG banned himself from responding to memo.

CCG: *WOW.*  
CCG: CAN I TALK TO SOMEONE WHO'S *NOT* A CYNICAL BULGETWIST?  
CCG: NO?  
CCG: FINE.  
CCG: I DO SPEND TIME WITH OTHER BEINGS BESIDES MYSELF. I DO THAT ON A REGULAR BASIS.  
CCG: IN FACT, I'M GOING TO DO THAT RIGHT NOW.  
CCG: FUCK ALL OF YOU.

CCG banned himself from responding to memo.

Most of the other beings besides himself, namely, Terezi, Rose, Kanaya and Dave, were sitting around a table in the Family Room, playing cards. Fucking seriously?

"I'm glad everyone is definitely doing something important right now. Is no one seriously keeping watch up there?" He gestured vaguely and frantically at the ceiling.

"Dude, calm down. It's all clear."

"We did a scan, you big butt. We're flying through several hours of nothing."

Kanaya patted the empty seat between hers and Strider's. "Come here, Karkat."

Karkat's eyes flicked over to Dave, then he slouched over and plopped down. Kanaya gave him a small, serene smile, which he returned. A little.

"I'm sick as fuck of poker. Rose is too good." Dave flicked his hand at the middle of the table. One card flipped up into the air, did an impressive curlicue, and landed on the floor next to Terezi. She cackled and pounced on it.

"I must admit that I find the psychological aspects of the game to be very enjoyable," Rose said, coolly placing her hand in the center of the table as well. Everyone else followed suit, and Rose began scooping up the cards and expertly shuffled them.

"What should we play?" Kanaya asked. Trolls didn't have card games, or decks of cards, and it was really freaking weird to see them all emblazoned with quadrant symbols at first. But a lot of down time -- a whole, whole, whole lot of down time -- had led to the humans finally breaking out the cards. It was an ultimately pointless activity, but Karkat eventually figured out that this was probably the point.

"Egyptian Rat-Screw!" Terezi cried. There was a month or so where Terezi and Dave played that game almost continuously. It had been really fucking annoying to listen to, a constant cacophony of slapping and cackling.

Rose's mouth made a funny little twist. "Maybe we should let Karkat pick?"

Dave grabbed the deck from Rose. "How about 52-Card Pickup? I promise you'll love that one. Cross my heart and everything."

Karkat took the bait. "How do you play that?"

Rose grabbed Dave by the arm before he could throw the deck. "Dave," she said in a warning tone, eyes narrowed.

"Dude, Rose! I haven't been able to get someone with that since I was like six, come on." Rose wrenched the deck back from him.

Karkat was glaring at Dave. When Dave noticed, he gave a little smirk. "I don't know shit about your human card games. Lalonde, you pick."

"Well." She was reshuffling the deck. "What about BS? As I remember, that one is fairly enjoyable with this many players."

A little later, Karkat was losing, egregiously.

"Strider is cheating!" Karkat fumed, slamming his enormous hand face down on the table, pointing furiously at the cards Dave had just put down. "You just put down five fucking cards, you cheating douchebag!"

"Dude, calm your tits. The fucking _point_ of this game is to cheat."

"Not like that it fucking isn't! I'm calling bullshit on you. 'Three kings' my nook."

Dave turned over the top three cards he'd just put down. They were all kings.

"YOU PUT DOWN FIVE CARDS, I FUCKING SAW YOU!" Karkat lunged for the middle of the table, trying to turn over the two cards below the kings, but Dave grabbed his wrists and wouldn't let go. They struggled that way for a moment, before Rose loudly cleared her throat.

Karkat was _positive_ that Dave was cheating on purpose. Just to fuck with him.

"Five aces." Dave flicked his cards into the center of the table. "Looks like I'm out."

Karkat nearly flipped the table. "What do you mean, _five aces_?? There aren't fucking FIVE ACES, not even in the WHOLE DECK, you unscrupulous CHEAT, why the FUCK would I even buy that, you..." Karkat flipped over the cards. There were five aces.

Dave gave a guileless shrug. Karkat launched himself at Dave's chair and grabbed him by the front of his shirt, roughly shaking him.

Terezi was laughing. "This is the best game so far!"

"ADMIT THAT YOU WERE CHEATING!"

"Except that would make me a liar. Are you trying to turn me into a dirty rotten liar like you? Lies and fuckin' slander, that's what's happening here."

"I AM NOT A LIAR, YOU...YOU LIAR!"

"Fucking let me go, you crazy lying asshole!"

"NOT UNTIL YOU ADMIT YOU WERmmmmmffffgggss!!!"

PAST carcinoGeneticist [CCG] 336:12 HOURS AGO opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION.

PCG: ALL RIGHT, YOU, YOU GLOBELICKING, NOOKSUCKING SHITHEAD, ANSWER ME.  
PCG: WE’RE DOING THIS.  
PCG: AS MUCH AS I HATE MYSELF FOR EVEN LETTING THE IDEA SINK ITS DISGUSTING, PARASITIC LITTLE CLAWS INTO THE STUPIDEST PART OF MY THINKPAN.  
PCG: YOU WERE RIGHT! GO AHEAD, CONGRATULATE YOURSELF, PAT YOURSELF ON THE FUCKING BACK, GO AHEAD AND GIVE YOUR OWN BULGE A HUUUUUGE SUCK. FINE, FINE! I ADMIT IT! HERE I AM, FORCING DOWN A STEAMING, HEAPING PORTION OF MY OWN WORDS.  
PCG: HISTORY HAS APPARENTLY REACHED A TURNING POINT AS OF TWENTY MINUTES AGO, WHEREIN MY THINKPAN BEGINS A SLOW, STEADY DETERIORATION AND WILL SOON START TO OOZE SLOWLY OUT OF MY AURAL CANALS, DRAGGING WITH IT ANY SEMBLANCE OF MENTAL CAPACITY AND COMMON SENSE.  
PCG: THERE IT GOES. I CAN FEEL SEGMENTS OF MY CRANIAL NODES JUST. SHUTTING. DOWN.  
PCG: FUCKING ANSWER ME, YOU BULGESNIFFING PIECE OF SHIT.

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.

CCG: OH, SHIT YES. I NEED THIS SO BADLY RIGHT NOW, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.  
PCG: FUCKING FINALLY.  
CCG: WAIT A SECOND.  
CCG: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT, THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE DO THIS, ISN’T IT?  
CCG: SHIT, NO. FUCK THAT.

CCG banned himself from responding to memo.

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION.

CCG: OH MY GOD THAT WAS SUCH AN UNBELIEVABLE MOOD KILLER.  
CCG: COME ON, FUTURE ME, GET YOUR ASS IN HERE.  
CCG: MAYBE YOU'LL BE A LITTLE LESS PRONE TO RAMPANT IDIOCY THAN OTHER DUMBFUCKS I COULD NAME.  
CCG: YEAH RIGHT.  
CCG: I'D ***PREFER*** IT BE THE ONE THAT ISN'T A SARDONIC ASSMUNCH, IF YOU DON'T MIND.  
CCG: ...  
CCG: FUCKING GET IN HERE!!!

FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 1193:03 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.

FCG: SUP  
CCG: OH MY GOD, DON'T YOU EVEN START WITH THAT.  
CCG: THAT IS NOT FUNNY. IT'S THE COMPLETE POLAR OPPOSITE OF FUNNY.  
CCG: IT'S SO UNFUNNY THAT INSTEAD OF LOOPING BACK AROUND TO BEING FUNNY, IT JUST PASSED UP FUNNY COMPLETELY AND NOSEDIVED DIRECTLY INTO HORRIBLE AND TRAGIC.  
FCG: ARE YOU DONE? [;B  
CCG: ...  
CCG: YES.  
FCG: WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?  
CCG: ...  
CCG: IT'S JUST *STRIDER*.  
CCG: BEING SUCH A GLOBESMACKING ***ASSHOLE***.  
CCG: AND YET ANOTHER ME IN SOME OTHER "DAWN ZONE" OF A TIMELINE IS? WAS? ***FLUSHED*** FOR HIM.  
CCG: WHAT THE SHITTING FUCK WOULD CAUSE THAT TO HAPPEN???  
FCG: MAYBE IT WAS SOMETHING LIKE,  
FCG: IN THAT TIMELINE YOU STARTED TROLLING HIM FIRST, INSTEAD OF JOHN.  
FCG: IN THIS TIMELINE YOU DIDN'T REALLY PAY THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO DAVE'S LIFE.  
FCG: MAYBE WHEN YOU WATCHED HIM CLOSER YOU SAW SOMETHING THAT MADE YOU START TO PITY HIM.  
CCG: I GUESS.  
CCG: I GUESS YOU'VE HAD MORE TIME TO THINK ABOUT THIS.  
CCG: OR...FUTURER FUTURE YOU TOLD YOU THIS WHEN YOU WERE ME.  
CCG: OH DEAR GOD. THIS IS GIVING ME A THROBBING HEADACHE.  
CCG: ...  
CCG: ANYWAY.  
CCG: I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO VACILLATE WITH **STRIDER**. IT'S UNSETTLING AS SHIT THAT, SOMEHOW, WE HAVE THE POTENTIAL FOR RED FEELINGS.  
CCG: IT'S GIVING ME THE FUCKING CREEPS.  
FCG: [XB  
FCG: THAT DIDN'T REALLY STOP YOU EARLIER WHEN YOU WERE PLEASURING YOURSELF TO THE MEMORY OF HIS MOUTH TOUCHING YOURS IN THE VERY REDDEST OF POSSIBLE OF RED WAYS, DID IT?  
CCG: AKSJFGKLSFGSD;LFKHFS  
FCG: HEY, WHAT IF YOU HADN'T WOKEN UP?  
FCG: MAYBE HE WOULD HAVE PUSHED YOU BACK ONTO THAT WEIRD HUMAN CUSHIONED SLEEPING BOARD.  
FCG: KISSED YOU SOME MORE.  
CCG: I'M HAVING SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT THIS.  
CCG: I DON'T KNOW.  
CCG: JUST...STOP TALKING ABOUT THE FLUSHED THING, OK?  
FCG: OK, SORRY.

Those words sent the strangest feeling through Karkat, like they'd crept into his body through his fingers and slid, slowly, up through his veins until they reached his blood pusher, made it feel strange and light and a little too big.

FCG: SORRY YOU'RE TOO CLUCKBEASTSHIT TO FACE UP TO YOUR OWN FEELINGS, I MEAN C;B

Welp, there it went. Goodbye, feeling.

CCG: GRUBFUCKING **SHIT**!!!  
CCG: YOU ARE SUCH A REPREHENSIBLE SACK OF *FUCK*, DOES MY THINKPAN GET REPEATEDLY PUMMELED INTO STUPIDITY SOMETIME IN THE NEAR FUTURE??  
CCG: BECAUSE THAT'S ALL YOU GODDAMNED ARE, A PETTY, THINKPAN-DAMAGED, BUCKET-HUMPING FUCKHOLE!!!  
FCG: HAHAHA <3< <3< <3<  
FCG: YOU KNOW ALL I'M DOING IS FUCKING WITH YOU, RIGHT?  
FCG: YOU ARE WOUND UP SO TIGHTLY, IT'S FUCKING HILARIOUS TO WATCH YOU FLIP YOUR SHIT.  
FCG: IT LIKE, NEVER GETS OLD.  
FCG: YOU ARE SO ADORABLE.

CCG banned FCG from responding to memo.

CCG banned himself from responding to memo.

Karkat sat in front of his open husktop, fists clenched, taking angry, huffing breaths. He stayed there for a long time, just staring at the open memo.

This was...

He didn't even know what this was.


	6. Oh Fuck, Shit Got Serious

Karkat was flicking through past memos. He really hadn't felt like starting a new one, not for a while. He hadn't really been feeling much like talking to anyone, actually, not himself, not the others. He'd sort of been hiding for a few days.

Everything was really starting to reach a level of complicated that Karkat was really, _really_ not prepared to address.

PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 359:19 HOURS AGO opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION.

PCG: OH MY SHITTING GOD. WHY DO HUMANS HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING SOFT AND PITIFUL-LOOKING? IT’S KILLING ME.

The rest of the memo was blank, awaiting his reply. Karkat let out a long breath. Well, ok then.

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCG: OH, FUCK, I KNOW, ALL THAT THIN SKIN, COVERED ALL OVER IN TINY LITTLE HAIRS? THEY WOULD FEEL AS SOFT AS A JUVENILE CLUCKBEAST.  
CCG: MAYBE SOFTER.  
PCG: SO...I JUST SAW LALONDE PRACTICALLY NAKED.  
CCG: OH, FUCK, THAT TIME THAT SHE WAS DOING THAT THING WHERE SHE SHINES THAT HIDEOUSLY EYE-SCORCHING LIGHT ALL OVER HER SKIN?  
PCG: YES.  
CCG: THAT WAS...GOOD.  
CCG: YES IT WAS.  
PCG: SO.  
CCG: YEAH?  
PCG: SO...THIS IS A THING THAT RARELY HAPPENS, US JUST...HAVING A CIVIL CONVERSATION, I MEAN.  
PCG: I DON’T ACTIVELY WANT TO DO PHYSICAL HARM TO YOU RIGHT NOW.  
PCG: IT’S REALLY FUCKING WEIRD.  
CCG: YEAH.  
CCG: I KIND OF...DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.  
PCG: ME EITHER.  
PCG: HUH.  
CCG: I, UM. LOOK.  
PCG: YEAH?  
CCG: SORRY.  
CCG: I KNOW WE’RE TRYING TO KEEP THE SPOILERS TO A MINIMUM, HERE, BUT I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE.  
PCG: UM. OK?  
CCG: OH MY SWEET FUCK, DAVE IS DRIVING ME *CRAZY*.  
PCG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?  
CCG: I CAN’T HELP IT. I JUST KEEP FINDING HIM MORE AND MORE ATTRACTIVE AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  
PCG: OH NO. NO, NO, NO.  
CCG: I CAN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM.  
PCG: PLEASE STOP. STOP RIGHT THERE.  
CCG: I HAVE NO IDEA IF HE’S JUST BEING A THINKPAN-DAMAGED HUMAN AND DOESN’T UNDERSTAND HOW HARD HE IS BLACK FLIRTING WITH ME, OR IF HE’S JUST FUCKING AROUND.  
PCG: OH MY GOD NO. SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
PCG: REMEMBER A MINUTE AGO WHEN WE DIDN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO EACH OTHER?  
PCG: THAT WAS ONE OF THE BEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE.  
PCG: I MISS THAT.  
CCG: I JUST DON’T KNOW HOW I’M SUPPOSED TO TELL IF HE’S BEING *SERIOUS* OR NOT.  
PCG: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO WHAT DID I JUST SAY???  
CCG: OH MY GOD, I WANT HIM SO FUCKING MUCH I CAN’T STAND IT.  
PCG: AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHAKDJGHFSKHSKHJFGFDKJ  
PCG banned CCG from responding to memo.

For the first time in what was probably sweeps, Karkat was laughing. He flopped over onto the floor next to his husktop, tears streaming from his eyes. FCG was right -- messing with his past selves was really. Fucking. Funny.

Eventually Karkat got his laughter under control, flipped over onto his back, and stretched out, his arms folded behind his head. His spine popped in about five different places. That had felt almost obscenely good and he felt so...light, now. Almost _giddy_. Wow.

He rolled over after a moment, curling around his husktop.

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION.

CCG: HEY, ME FROM, WHAT, ABOUT 2000 HOURS FROM NOW?  
CCG: I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.  
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [CCG] 1872:23 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FCG: HEY [:B  
CCG: HEY.  
FCG: HEY.  
FCG: ARE YOU GOING TO TALK OR WHAT? C:B  
CCG: WELL  
CCG: HOW...HOW ARE YOU?  
FCG: HAHA!  
FCG: I'M DOING WELL, HOW ARE YOU?  
CCG: UM, I'M DOING REALLY, REALLY WELL, ACTUALLY.  
CCG: ...  
CCG: SO  
CCG: YOU WERE RIGHT.  
CCG: THERE. I CAN ADMIT TO MY OWN FAULTS. I AM CAPABLE OF THAT KIND OF THING, YOU KNOW.  
CCG: BUT, YES. YOU WERE RIGHT. I AM USUALLY WAY TOO UPTIGHT.  
CCG: BUT RIGHT NOW, I ACTUALLY FEEL *RELAXED*.  
CCG: IT FEELS...REALLY FUCKING GOOD.  
FCG: OH!  
FCG: THAT'S GOOD. [:B  
CCG: FUCK, OK.  
CCG: MAYBE I SHOULDN'T BE ASKING THIS, BUT  
CCG: ...  
CCG: OH MY GOD, I FEEL LIKE SUCH A DUMBFUCK. I'M JUST GOING TO START TYPING.  
CCG: HOW DO...HOW DO YOU, CURRENTLY, FEEL ABOUT ME?  
CCG: THE ME THAT'S SPEAKING, NOT JUST PAST YOU, BUT ME, SPECIFICALLY, RIGHT NOW?  
CCG: DON'T FUCK WITH ME, PLEASE, I'M SERIOUS.  
CCG: I KNOW I'M PRETTY MUCH THE DIVINELY-CHOSEN MONARCH OF MIXED SIGNALS AND QUADRANT FLIPPING AND WHO KNOWS WHAT OTHER CONFUSING SHIT.  
CCG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF YOU'VE ACTUALLY BEEN SERIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING YOU'VE SAID OR IF YOU'VE JUST BEEN FUCKING WITH ME, SO.  
CCG: I'M KIND OF CONFUSED.  
CCG: FUCK FUCK FUCK  
CCG: OH GOD, NEVER MIND. OH GOD, THAT WAS THE STUPIDEST THING TO ASK, POSSIBLY THE STUPIDEST THING ANYONE HAS EVER ASKED, EVER, FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK  
FCG: WELL, RIGHT NOW, I HAVE THE BIGGEST FLUSHCRUSH ON YOU.  
CCG: JUST FORGET I EVEN SAID ANYT  
CCG: OH MY GOD.  
CCG: YOU.  
CCG: YOU DO?  
FCG: YEAH.  
CCG: OH.  
CCG: ...  
CCG: WOW.  
CCG: THAT WASN'T...THAT WASN'T WHAT I WAS EXPECTING.  
CCG: AT ALL.  
FCG: I KNOW.  
FCG: TRUST ME, I'M GOING THROUGH A PRETTY FUCKING WEIRD TIME.  
CCG: I GUESS...I GUESS YOU WOULD BE.  
FCG: YEAH. /:B  
CCG: HEY, I  
CCG: FUCK.  
CCG: CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS LATER?  
FCG: DOESN'T MATTER TO ME.  
FCG: I'LL JUST SWITCH OVER TO THE NEXT MEMO RIGHT NOW.  
CCG: OK.  
FCG: HEY, UM.  
FCG: <3

FCG banned himself from responding to memo.

Karkat slowly shut his husktop and lay perfectly still, curled up on the floor, staring off into space. After a few minutes he pushed himself to his feet and began the long walk down through the base, around and around and around the enormous spiral staircase that led to Gamzee's rooms.

"Hey." Karkat twisted his hands together and couldn't really manage to look up at Gamzee right then, but it didn't matter. Gamzee came over and pulled him close.

"What's all up and being the matter with my little palebro?" Gamzee asked, his hands warm and amazing on Karkat's back.

Karkat made a small, contented sound, his cheek against Gamzee's chest. "Sorry I interrupted your, thing," he said, gesturing vaguely at the line of skulls on the table.

"Don't you be worrying about that. You know I always have time for you." His voice was such a pleasant buzz against Karkat's cheek that relaxing again didn't seem like it was going to be too much of a problem. Karkat slid his arms loosely around Gamzee's waist, letting his eyes flutter closed.

They stood that way for a little bit, just breathing, until Gamzee took Karkat's hands and led him over to the horn pile. Karkat flopped down on it and rolled over onto his stomach, squirming until he got comfortable. The honking always went on and on until they got settled, but Karkat didn't even feel like complaining about it like he usually did.

Gamzee stretched out next to him, running a hand up and down his back, up through his hair, back down to the hem of his shirt. Karkat made another happy little sound, and Gamzee wriggled an arm under him and pulled him close.

"I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to do, " Karkat said, finally, his head on Gamzee's shoulder. "Somehow, I don't know fucking how, this is all so shithive maggots, someone is...someone just told me that they're flushed for me and I don't know what to do. _They're_ the one that...has it all together, that seems to know everything, and it used to make me so mad, how goddamned _smug_ they were about it, but it's really that, I feel like such a fucking...I don't know. Like a fucking wiggler."

Karkat knew Gamzee wasn't going to ask questions. That's what made feelings jams with him so awesome. "It seems, to me," Gamzee started, idly twisting a piece of Karkat's hair around his fingers, "that this brother or sister is flushed for _you_ , not their own self. So it doesn't seem like it would make any motherfucking amount of difference how grown up they are or you are. See what I mean?"

"Yeah, I guess, but..." Karkat let out a short, frustrated breath. "I don't know how I feel about it yet, not to mention that this whole situation is completely, fucking _absurd_ and...I don't know how it could _possibly_ even _begin_ to work. Jegus fuck, I don't even know if it would be _ok_ to fill a quadrant with them..."

"I think that if you have any sort of feelings for each other, that maybe are the same kinds of feelings, then you shouldn't worry too much about what anyone else thinks. Any kind of special feelings are too much of a miracle to let pass by."

Well. That was pretty much the answer Karkat had expected to get, but he guessed it was good to hear. He'd needed some palehugs so badly, anyway. Karkat snuggled closer to Gamzee, and Gamzee nuzzled against his hair. Yeah, that was nice. Really, really nice.

The long walk back up to his own room was peaceful, in that way things only were after he'd had alone time with Gamzee. It wasn't until he was actually seated before his husktop with a blank memo open in front of him that he started to freak out.

He couldn't do this.

What was he supposed to say? Karkat had watched hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of romantic movies, read countless romantic novels. He knew everything about how quadrants should fit into society, their subtle symbolism, every way the shape their players made could be twisted and smooshed together like intertwining coils of clay. There was no precedence for this situation. None. What did he even think was going to _happen_ between them? Even if Karkat accepted the fact that he had _romantic feelings_ for _himself_ , their prospects together? Shit. That was seriously, seriously depressing to think about.

What was he even _doing_? This was _crazy_.

"You look like complete shit," Dave commented as Karkat passed him in the hallway on the way to the ablutions block. "I know you don't sleep, or whatever, but seriously, you get used to the dream bubbles, it's cool."

" _Don't_...don't even act like you fucking pity me," Karkat snapped over his shoulder, and kept on walking. He left Dave just standing there with a strange twist to his mouth.

Karkat locked the ablutions block door, and had pulled his shirt halfway up his chest when he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror and froze. He let the hem of his shirt fall, transfixed by his own eyes; he'd definitely seen a glint of red there. They still looked dark grey, but...he leaned closer to the mirror, tilting his head from side to side, watching the subtle reflection of red off his irises. When he finally stepped into the ablution trap, he scrubbed himself as though he were waging a war against his own skin.

When he was done he knew he should do something like hang out with Gamzee or watch romcoms with Kanaya or _anything_ , really, to occupy his mind, but, of course, he turned back toward his own room instead. He was far too invested in this rail transport wreck - it was speeding along, right for a large, cud-chewing group of ill-fated herdbeasts, destined for derailment and a huge waste of prime steak.

PCG: SHIT, NO. FUCK THAT.  
PCG banned himself from responding to memo.  
PCG: ASKDGHKSFGJHFDS GET BACK HERE!  
PCG: HOW THE FUCK DO I MANAGE TO BECOME THIS MUCH MORE OF AN INSUFFERABLE ASSHOLE?!?  
PCG: I HOPE YOU SUFFOCATE TO DEATH WITH YOUR FACE BURIED IN YOUR OWN NOOK!!!!!

And then it was blank. Karkat sat still for several moments, just _hating_ that fucking flashing cursor, before he gave up and lifted his hands to the keyboard.

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [FCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCG: ALRIGHT, LET'S GO.  
PCG: OH, WONDERFUL, ARE YOU HERE TO TAKE MY CHAT CLIENT SEXYTIME VIRGINITY?  
PCG: WILL IT BE YOU THAT TAKES MY BLUSHING FACE BETWEEN YOUR EXPERIENCED HANDS AND TELLS ME TO RELAX, YOU’LL MAKE IT FEEL SOOOO GOOOOD?  
PCG: I HOPE SOMEONE PISSES ON YOUR POST-RESPITE FEEDING TRAY.  
PCG: I HOPE IT’S STRIDER.  
CCG: YOU CERTAINLY KNOW HOW TO MAKE A TROLL FEEL APPRECIATED.  
CCG: BUT YEAH. SURE. WHY NOT? I NEED A GOOD LAUGH.  
PCG: I’M TAKING SOME DEEP BREATHS. I’M CALMING MYSELF DOWN. SEE? I’M NOT TAKING THE BAIT. I CAN BE CIVIL IF I WANT.  
CCG: GOOD FOR YOU, WHATEVER.  
CCG: LET’S JUST DO THIS ALREADY.  
PCG: OK.  
CCG: WELL?  
PCG: WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?? I’VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE, JERKWAD!!  
CCG: UGH. FINE. TALK ABOUT WHAT MADE YOU WANT TO DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE. MAYBE WE CAN START WITH THAT.  
PCG: STRIDER HAD HIS HANDS ON TEREZI’S WAIST.  
CCG: OH RIGHT.  
PCG: SHE’S JUST TOO FUCKING HOT. WHAT THE HELL?? SHE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE ASSEMBLED A JUMBLE OF KNIVES AND BROKEN GLASS INTO A VAGUELY TROLLISH SHAPE.  
PCG: BUT SOMEHOW, SHE’S JUST...HOT.  
CCG: AND...WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO DO ABOUT THAT?  
PCG: I DON’T KNOW! THEY’RE ALL JUST KIND OF, VAGUE, MY FEELINGS, I MEAN.  
CCG: JEGUS FUCK. UN-VAGUE THEM, THEN. I DON’T HAVE ALL NIGHT.  
PCG: OH, LOOK AT THAT, ASSFACE, MY FEELINGS ARE FORMING PRETTY COHESIVELY INTO THE DESIRE TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FUCKING BULGE.  
CCG: OH YEAH? LIKE YOU EVEN COULD. I’D JUST SIDESTEP YOUR PATHETIC LITTLE ATTEMPT AND HIT YOU IN THE JAW.  
PCG: NOT IF I RAMMED MY FOREHEAD INTO YOUR NOSE FIRST.  
CCG: HAHA, YEAH RIGHT. YOU WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO KEEP ME FROM SLAMMING YOU UP AGAINST THE WALL OF YOUR RESPITEBLOCK. YOU’D HAVE THE BREATH KNOCKED OUT OF YOU, AND I’D TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOUR MOMENTARY WEAKNESS TO SINK MY TEETH INTO YOUR SHOULDER.  
PCG: OH MY GOD.  
CCG: HAHAHA.  
CCG: HAVE A GOOD TIME, YOU SICK FUCK.

Karkat slammed his husktop shut. Laughter bubbled up in his chest, but he swallowed it down. He felt almost sick. He'd been _blindsided_ by an intense, almost repulsive cocktail of mortified incredulity and disgust, and he wanted, suddenly, to _hurt_ that naive little dumbfuck, to keep hitting and hitting him until...

What?

What the fuck was he going to do, now?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couple of illustrations here, that I did, yes:
> 
>  
> 
> [Karkat/Karkat, nsfw](http://makingtriangles.tumblr.com/post/19490676635/)
> 
>  
> 
> [That photo that FCG sent](http://makingtriangles.tumblr.com/post/19534576629/)
> 
>  
> 
> :]


	7. Karkat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *points at Explicit rating* Ahem hem.

CCG: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I RESPONDED TO THIS MEMO.  
CCG: I KNOW RIGHT NOW YOU THINK FUTURE YOUS ARE THE WORST YOUS, BUT TRUST ME.  
CCG: ***YOU*** ARE THE WORST ME.  
CCG: *****YOU*****  
CCG: I HOPE THAT HAUNTS YOUR DREAM BUBBLES, YOU NAIVE SACK OF SHIT.

CCG banned himself from responding to memo.

Everything was terrible. The floor was uncomfortable and it was too cold and Karkat was so tired that he could barely move. His eyelids were so heavy, but the only thing that happened when he closed them was more of the screaming indecision in his own head.

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board FRUITY RUMPUS ASSHOLE FACTORY, BORING ROAD TRIP THROUGH THE FUCKING AFTERLIFE EDITION.

CCG: THESE HAVE BEEN THE WORST FIVE NIGHTS OF MY LIFE.  
CCG: I THOUGHT THE BOREDOM WAS BULGETWISTINGLY UNBEARABLE BEFORE, BUT THIS  
CCG: THIS  
CCG: *****THIS*****  
CCG: IS THE WORST.  
CCG: I TRIED WATCHING MOVIES.  
CCG: I TRIED GOING TO SLEEP, BECAUSE FUCK IT, HOW COULD IT BE WORSE THAN THIS?  
CCG: BUT I CAN'T SLEEP.  
CCG: I THINK I BROKE SOMETHING IN MY THINKPAN BY NOT SLEEPING.  
CCG: THAT OR SLEEP IS A HATEFUL, HATEFUL ENTITY THAT SLOWLY AND VINDICTIVELY CUTS YOU OFF IF YOU SPEND TOO MUCH TIME AWAY FROM ITS SWEET, CLOYING, AND SLIGHTLY DAMP EMBRACE.  
CCG: SLEEP HATES ME NOW.  
CCG: WHAT KIND OF TROLL IS ON ***SLEEP'S*** FUCKING SHITLIST?  
CCG: THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO KNOW.  
CCG: ALSO  
CCG: I STILL DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I *WANT* TO DO, AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I ***SHOULD*** DO, WHICH IS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT, OBNOXIOUS QUESTION THAT I WISH WOULD HAVE ITS FACE EATEN OFF BY A HYDROPHOBIC BARKBEAST.  
CCG: OH GOD WHY IS NO ONE ANSWERING THIS MEMO?  
CCG: HAVE I REACHED A NEW LOW POINT WHERE I FILL EVERYONE WITH SUCH HORRIFYING LEVELS OF CONTEMPT THAT THEY DON'T EVEN WANT TO *FUCK* WITH ME ANYMORE?  
CCG: OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD  
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [CCG] 321:59 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.  
FCG: SHH.  
FCG: JEGUS.  
FCG: CALM THE FUCK DOWN.  
CCG: OH IT'S *****YOU*****  
CCG: YOU'RE THE LAST PIECE OF THIS FUCKING PUZZLE, NUMBER FOUR.  
CCG: WHAT BRINGS YOU OUT OF YOUR SECLUDED ENIGMA TO TALK TO THE HUDDLED MASSES OF THE PAST?  
CCG: OOOOOH, LOOK AT YOU, COMING DOWN THAT GRAND FRONT WALK, HAND HELD OUT LIKE A PRISSY IDIOT WAITING FOR YOUR LOYAL SUBJECTS TO SLOBBER ALL OVER YOUR RINGS.  
CCG: YOU SHIT-EATING ASSFACE.  
CCG: I'VE BEEN READING ALL THE MEMOS, OVER AND OVER.  
CCG: I HAVE DIVIDED MYSELF UP INTO FIVE DISCRETE ERAS, OR FRAMES OF MIND, THAT CAUSE MY POINT OF VIEW AND GENERAL BEHAVIOR TO CHANGE.  
CCG: THIS IS THE BEST I CAN DO TO MAKE SENSE OUT OF ALL THIS SHIT.

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW sent FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [CCG] 321:59 HOURS FROM NOW file “shipping_chart.bmp"

CCG: YOU'RE THE ONE WITH THE QUESTION-MARK FACE, SINCE SO FAR YOU'VE BEEN KEEPING YOUR TRUE NATURE A BIG OLD SECRET.  
CCG: WHAT'S YOUR GAME, ANYWAY, FUCKLORD?  
FCG: WHAT IS THAT IN THE THOUGHT BUBBLE, A CONIFEROUS FOREST? HAHA.  
CCG: FUCK YOU, THEY'RE SPADES. YOU DREW THEM, TOO.  
CCG: AND NOT VERY LONG AGO, EITHER, JERKWAD.  
FCG: JEGUS, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?  
FCG: THAT ALL YOUR "THEORIES" ARE CORRECT?  
FCG: THAT IT WAS A GOOD THING FOR YOU TO SPEND SO MUCH TIME MASTURBATORILY BROODING OVER ALL THIS SHIT?  
FCG: BECAUSE IT WASN'T.  
FCG: IT WAS AWFUL.  
FCG: YOU NEED TO CALM YOUR GLOBES AND JUST FUCKING **BREATHE** FOR LIKE TWO SECONDS.  
CCG: ...  
CCG: OK.  
CCG: ...  
FCG: SEE, ISN'T THAT BETTER?  
CCG: NO.  
CCG: WHAT CAN YOU EVEN SAY MAKES SOMEONE A SEPARATE BEING FROM SOMEONE ELSE, ANYWAY? IT ALL SEEMS PRETTY ARBITRARY, DON'T YOU THINK?  
CCG: WE TALK DIFFERENTLY THAN EACH OTHER.  
CCG: WE THINK DIFFERENTLY FROM EACH OTHER.  
CCG: IF SOMEONE TALKED TO US SEPARATELY THEY'D THINK WE WERE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT TROLLS.  
FCG: ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ME AND YOU, OR YOU AND FUTURE ME, WHO, ACCORDING TO YOUR LITTLE CHART, YOU'VE DECIDED TO OWN UP TO YOUR FLUSHED FEELINGS FOR?  
CCG: HIM. AND FUCK OFF.  
FCG: IF THINKING THAT WAY MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT IT, THEN SURE.  
FCG: MY GOD, THIS IS OBSCENELY EMBARRASSING TO WATCH FROM THIS SIDE.  
FCG: AND THE WORST PART IS, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO COME CLOSE TO TAKING MY OBVIOUSLY FLAWLESS ADVICE. YOU'RE JUST GOING TO KEEP FLAILING AROUND LIKE A FUCKING IDIOT.  
FCG: WEH WEH, NOBODY UNDERSTANDS MY DISGUSTINGLY TRAGIC LIFE.  
FCG: JUST FUCKING CALM DOWN.  
FCG: IT'S NOT NEARLY AS BIG OF A DEAL AS YOU THINK IT IS.  
CCG: WOW. THAT JUST KILLED ME A LITTLE INSIDE, FINDING OUT THAT I BECOME SUCH A SELF CENTERED, INSENSITIVE DOUCHE IN A LITTLE OVER THREE HUNDRED HOURS.  
CCG: I HOPE YOU DIP YOUR BULGE IN THE LOAD GAPER AND IT LEADS TO A DISGUSTING AND FATAL INFECTION.  
FCG: HAHA WHATEVER.  
FCG: JUST STOP STALLING AND WHINING AND FUCKING TALK TO FUTURE ME ALREADY.  
FCG: JEGUS.

FCG banned himself from responding to memo.

CCG: ALSKDGHAKDFHJ I FUCKING WOULD EXCEPT H  
CCG: SHIT.  
CCG: IT'S NOT "TIME" YET, OR WHATEVER BULLSHIT REASON PARADOX SPACE WANTS TO GIVE FOR HAVING ITS INVASIVE, GRUBBY LITTLE HANDS ALL OVER OUR PERSONAL LIVES.  
CCG: ...  
CCG: IT'S JUST BEEN DAYS AND DAYS AND SOMEHOW I **MISS** THAT FUCKASS.  
CCG: AND NOW I'VE REACHED A LEVEL OF PATHETIC SO PROFOUND THAT I'M NOT EVEN TALKING TO MY PAST OR FUTURE SELVES, I'M JUST TALKING TO...MYSELF.  
CCG: JUST MYSELF.  
CCG: ALONE.  
CCG: IN MY RESPITEBLOCK.  
CCG: OH GOD OH GOD  
CCG: WHAT AM I GOING TO DO??  
CCG: I'M HYPERVENTILATING. I'VE REACHED THAT POINT. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW????

FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [CCG] 1752:27 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.

FCG: HEY, IT'S OK, JUST CALM DOWN.  
CCG: AKJSDHGJDFHGLSKJDFH  
CCG: HI  
CCG: UM  
CCG: HELLO  
FCG: HELLO (:B  
CCG: UM.  
CCG: SORRY ABOUT ALL THAT, UM.  
FCG: IT HAPPENED TO ME TOO, IT'S OK.  
CCG: RIGHT.  
FCG: AND AFTERWARDS I WAS SO FUCKING EMBARRASSED AND HUMILIATED THAT I'D EVER FELT THAT WAY BUT I GOT OVER IT AND NOW IT'S BEEN LONG ENOUGH THAT  
FCG: UM.  
FCG: I'M PITYING YOU REALLY, REALLY FUCKING HARD, HERE.  
CCG: OH  
CCG: OK  
CCG: OH GOD  
CCG: ...  
CCG: ME...ME TOO. YOU...I KEEP READING THESE MEMOS, OVER AND OVER  
AND...LOOKING AT YOUR PICTURE.  
CCG: I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN ABOUT TO **DO** ANYTHING ABOUT THIS.  
CCG: YOU'RE JUST SO...FUCK!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.  
CCG: OH GOD THIS IS KILLING ME.  
FCG: HEY, YOU SHOULD INSTALL THIS.

FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 1753:27 HOURS FROM NOW sent CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW file “captϱman.server"

CCG: WHAT IS IT?  
CCG: WAIT  
CCG: WHAT THE GLOBEMASHING SHIT, HOW THE ***FUCK*** DID YOU DO THIS??  
FCG: IT MOSTLY WASN'T ME.  
FCG: IT WAS ROSE.  
FCG: IT'S MOSTLY, WELL. MAGIC. SEER SHIT.  
CCG: YOU'VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.

Karkat had clicked on the file and a large, blank window had appeared, with the text "waiting for participant" across the middle. Another much smaller, grainy window was in the bottom right-hand corner, and the webcam on Karkat's husktop had activated, showing the top third of his head. He adjusted his husktop screen, bringing his whole face into the shot, palms sweating and blood pounding in his ears. He looked awful, pale and messy and exhausted.

"Waiting for participant" changed to "Connecting" and Karkat's blood pusher leaped into his throat. His future self was on the screen, suddenly, blinking into his own webcam. He was sitting at a table, slouching back in his chair. The symbol on his shirt was _red_. Holy shit. A slow smile spread over his face and Karkat felt sudden heat wash over his body.

Karkat paused. "Wait a fucking second, you told Rose about us?" His voice was hoarse and he winced, because what kind of first thing is that to say to your, holy fuck, potential matesprit? Stupid, stupid, stupid!

"I didn't really have to," filtered out of the husktop speaker, and Karkat felt _ridiculous_ because it was _his own voice_ but something about it was making him flush.

"Um. Hello," Karkat managed to get out around his embarrassment. "Sorry I just...jumped all over you, with the very first thing I ever said to you, fuck, fuck fuck! I need to stop talking. Oh god."

His future self was still smiling, eyes hooded. "It's ok." Time seemed to stand still as they just sat and _looked_ at each other, and those red eyes were sending funny little jolts of pleasure up through Karkat's stomach.

"Fuck...I'm getting wet just looking at you."

Karkat's mouth dropped open, his breath hitching. "You have to be fucking with me. I mean..." Karkat gestured at himself. "I look..."

"Pitiful?" his future self interjected, letting out a little, shaky breath, leaning forward, elbows on the desk, his tongue darting out quickly to moisten his lips.

Karkat's eyes widened, his pulse throbbing suddenly as his breath caught in his throat. He ran a hand through his hair, feeling far too hot, far too fast. "Do...do you wanna..."

"Yes."

"How should we..."

"However you want," his future self said, voice low in a way that made Karkat's bulge throb. He shifted against the floor, eyes slipping closed, fists compulsively curling against his knees. A soft gasp came from the husktop speaker, and Karkat's eyes flew open. "Just...whatever feels good. I've done this a lot, but you..."

"I want to see all of you," Karkat demanded. The tips of his ears were burning.

"Ok," his future self breathed, and pushed his chair back a little ways from the desk. He hooked his fingers in the hem of his shirt and pulled it off in one smooth motion, and leaned down close to the camera, a mischievous smile playing around the corners of his lips. "This is what you meant, right?"

Karkat swallowed, eyes wide. "Sure. Why...why not?"

A soft rustling began in the background, the camera now showing only the empty desk chair. His future reappeared, this time without pants. Karkat felt his own bulge start to throb as his future self slumped back, arms going behind his head over the back of his chair, letting out a heavy breath as his bulge began to uncurl itself from his nook, curving up towards his stomach.

"Holy shit," Karkat breathed, hands fumbling with his own fly. He finally managed to push his pants down over his hips, groaning in relief as his bulge was freed. He gratefully stretched out on his side, pushing at the corner of his husktop to get himself in the frame from head to thighs.

"Oh yeah," his future self panted, sliding a hand down over his stomach and letting his bulge twist around his fingers. Karkat did the same, eyes glued to his husktop screen, heat crashing over him as his future self hooked a leg over the arm of his chair, spreading himself wide. His nook was red and wet and slick, and Karkat's eyes were as big as saucers. "So...what would you do if you were here?"

A hundred images flashed through Karkat's head, all desperate and horny and seemingly inexpressible. "I would..." he swallowed thickly, bulge squeezing around his fingers in the most distracting way possible, "I would...k-kneel between, your legs, and...start...licking, at your nook..."

His future self shuddered all over, hooking his other leg over the other arm, rubbing slowly at the folds of his own nook. He let his head fall back, still watching the screen with half-lidded eyes, chest heaving. "And...and then?"

Karkat moaned, letting his legs fall open. He slid his other hand down between them, and he couldn't stand it anymore; he pushed a finger up into his nook, sharp pleasure shooting up through his stomach as it slid along the base of his bulge. "I...I would keep doing that, until you just...couldn't stand it anymore, then I'd...pin you to the chair and let our bulges...twist together..."

Karkat could see those red eyes trained on the way his bulge was writhing, twining around his fingers, and his face flushed hot at being on _display_ like this, holy...holy fuck...

His future self was groaning, now, pushing two fingers inside himself, rocking down onto them, and Karkat knew he must be fluttering them back and forth by the way his breaths were catching, his back arching.

Each gasp from the husktop made Karkat a little less shy, a little more desperate, and he kicked at his pants, trying to get them off his legs. When he'd succeeded, he rose up onto his knees, nudging his husktop screen back, thrilling with a surprising and breathless amount of pity at how far gone his future self seemed to be. "T-Talk to me," he moaned, panting as he rocked down onto his fingers, his bulge curling tightly around his wrist.

Red eyes stared out of the screen, glazed and hot. "You have no...idea...how much I want...you...How much I want to just...push inside you..." Karkat let out a soft whine at those words, his bulge writhing and squeezing at his palm, at his wrist, and he made a desperate grab for the bucket in his sylladex, sending the rest of his stuff raining down all around him. His future self's eyes widened as Karkat knelt over it, one hand on the rim, one still between his legs, working furiously. "Oh, god, yeah...that's it, just...yessss..."

Karkat felt pleasure rush through him, sweeping over his body in a whirlwind of heat and tension and he let out a long moan, red liquid finally splashing into the bucket with the most obscene sound and ohhhh, fuuuuck...

He barely managed to push the bucket away without tipping it as the most blissful, shaky sense of relief spread over him, the sudden quivering release of a snapped string...He fell forward onto his hands, staring into his husktop screen, watched as his future self arched and came, trembling, bucket clutched between his thighs.

"You..." Karkat began, almost reverently, but fell silent as those red eyes caught his in a gaze that was half-lidded and powerful, and held him there. Karkat stared in awe, a dazed smile spreading slowly across his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THAT WAS THE MOST DIFFICULT PORN I'VE EVER WRITTEN, GUYS
> 
> HOLY SHIT XD
> 
> (Also, a captromancer is someone who sees the future through mirrors. *creeps away*)


End file.
